Normal?

Today has been a good day, so far anyway.  I’ve felt more like myself today than I have in a long time.  Last night I actually slept!  Granted it wasn’t until around 3:00 am, but that’s much better than the 6:00 or 7:00 am that I usually see.  Or if I just give up on sleep completely. 

Some part of me knows the insomnia makes the depression worse.  Being so exhausted all the time makes it impossible to keep the darkness in check.  I’ve been on ambien for what seems like forever.  Most nights it doesn’t help.  I won’t take it every night because I know it’s addictive and frankly I don’t need that on top of everything else.

Sleep. I had no idea how much I could miss it.  When I woke up today I actually felt a little refreshed! 

Today I feel “normal”.  Whatever the hell that means anyway.  I like this feeling.  It’s been too long.  I’m going to try to hold on to this as long as I can, because I know it won’t last.  I won’t focus on that though, I will focus on the “normal”.

I’m trying to gather the courage to get back in touch with the friends I have kept locked out of my life.  I know they deserve answers.  They have done nothing but always love me and support me.  They would have supported me now, but I couldn’t let them.  That’s what I’m afraid they won’t understand.   I wrote letters to them at Christmas, telling them I loved them and I would talk to them, explain to them.  Every one wrote back saying they would wait for me.  They knew not to call.  I still don’t answer the phone. 

I do leave the house though.  I’ve gotten better at that.  I still make excuses sometimes when it’s just too much for me.  When I just can’t summon the strength to actually walk out the door.  My sister asked me if I was becoming agoraphobic.  I told her of course not, but then I really started to wonder.  So I decided not to let my fear rule me.  That’s when I knew I had to start leaving the house again.  Little trips here and there.  One trip out to dinner with my sister and her best friend who has been in my life since we were much younger and she understands my fight.  But I still can’t face my friends. 

I will though.  I will find it in me, somewhere, buried so deep, that strength.  It’s there.  I know it.  Today I feel it in there.  It’s getting closer to the surface. 

Writing helps.  My random nonsense, my thoughts, my fear.  I put it out there and it loses some of its power. 

Today is a good day.