I thought I was doing so well… and I was, for about a week or so. I feel it though, it’s circling me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
The blackness. The spiral. The numbness.
I can feel myself sinking. I recognize it, the feeling of surrender. I don’t know how to stop it, to slow it. I thought I could. I thought I was stronger. I don’t feel strong now.
I feel so stupid, weak, defeated, every bad, horrible thing I’ve ever felt about myself I feel right now. I hate this. I could think “why me”, but there’s no point. The voice knows, it tells me you know too. You know damn well why you. Because you deserve nothing. You’re less than nothing. Pathetic, fool, dreamer – you think you can win, you can beat me? The hell you can.
It’s right. I can’t even make sense to myself. How can anyone else understand this never-ending bullshit? I don’t understand it! I just want to sleep, to feel nothing for a while, but sleep doesn’t come. I’m just awake, awake with my damn thoughts that just keep going all the time. Never slowing, never stopping.
I just want to sleep.