The Value in Hoping

Wow, it’s been 2 years since I’ve updated this crazy thing. Honestly, I think I just decided to forget this was here. Chronicling my life seemed stupid – who would really care about this anyway? But then life gets in the way. So I’m coming back to this, for me, because I think I might need it, and soon.

Since I’ve last written life has changed. I got a job, which is great, but it’s a tad on the soul-sucking end of the spectrum. I got into a car accident and wrecked my lamented Jeep. My Mom has had several small strokes, and a couple of not-so-small ones. We’ve lost some family members, gained a couple, and the world keeps on turning.

So I guess this is where the hope comes in. There comes a time where hope, faith, vibes, psychic forces, alien brain waves – whatever your flavor – are what get you through the day. I’m strangling hope with my fingernails trying to hang on, and I’m not letting go.

If you know me at all, you know I’ve been battling a “mystery plague” that made me unable to speak for the past six months. This has also kept me out of work for six months. It’s impossible to do anything when you can’t interact with anyone. The worst part is there’s no real medical reason they can find, my vocal cords just decided they didn’t feel like working any longer. I’ve been in vocal therapy, relearning to speak, and doing well. So well that I thought I might be able to return to work by the end of September. You know the saying “we plan and the gods laugh“. That has never been more true.

My vocal therapist and ENT say it’s too soon, going back now with my voice not strong enough could ruin it permanently and I refuse to risk that. But I had no idea what would be coming next.

Earlier this week I used my right arm to scratch my left shoulder and felt a stabbing pain in my right breast. That was new. So I did a self exam and found a lump a little bigger than a walnut. The placement means it could be in my lymph nodes, but right now I just don’t know. Right now I’m a mess and terrified and jumpy and short tempered with everyone in my orbit and I hate this.

In three days I find out if I have breast cancer, or maybe something else.

THIS is where the hoping really comes in. This is why I have a strangle hold on hope. Hope that I am not going to get the news so many in my family has heard before me, that so many of my friends have had to deal with. Hope that life will return to it’s somewhat normal-ish insanity without added nightmares. Hope that I have the strength to deal with whatever it is that comes next. Hope that I have the strength to pull my family through this with me. Hope that this stupid blog keeps going because it means that I keep going.

Hope that some good vibes, feelings, wishes, pixie dust, prayers, psychic forces and alien brain waves come my way in three days so I don’t shatter.

HOPE.