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There was gambling, annoying hipsters and almost getting killed by KISS fans…

Recently I was back at my happy place, or what used to be my happy place before I was almost killed by a horde of KISS fans. (Is it horde of KISS fans? Perhaps a mullet of KISS fans?)

I was at my beloved casino, and had just had a really awesome dinner – which was almost ruined by hipsters.  (Do you see a pattern here?)  I was with my parents and sister, we had a fun day hitting the slot machines, I was up $15 (YAY) and we decided to go to their nice chinese restaurant for dinner.  I love this place, it’s small, and broken up into even smaller dining compartments that fit 2 tables and the food is fantastic.

We’re seated in a room with an older couple, who soon leave – and that’s when THEY arrive.  The hipsters.  Christ the hipsters.  Now, usually I can tolerate them, and I will most likely hit them with a “bless your heart” about something ridiculous that comes from them, but these people were the most obnoxious people on the planet.  The whole planet, quite possibly the galaxy.

First two come in, man & woman, sit and proceed to try to order some microbrew beer.  This casino JUST got their liquor license after fighting with the state for years about a year ago, so no, they don’t have your precious, ironic beer.  Morons.  Then he reads the ENTIRE menu out loud to her and says he will order sushi. THERE IS NO SUSHI ON THE MENU, WHICH YOU JUST READ IN IT’S ENTIRETY, ASSHOLE.  They finally decide, then, oh wait, there’s another one coming we’d better not order yet.

Now, if I was their waitress I would have spilled the hot tea on them out of fucking spite at this point, but she just smiled and walked away, to spit in his Bud Light I’m sure.

So finally the third one shows up, and he’s a  LOUD TALKER.  We all want to know his business because he announced every thought at the top of his fucking lungs.  I know all about his baby and how she started to walk after holding onto the furniture and their hands and blah blah blah… Then this motherfucker took a phone call and repeated the same story even louder!

Then they decide they better hurry up since they’re going to the KISS concert, you know, to look at how old they are and stuff, you know, ironically.  (How I didn’t kill these people I really don’t know.)

We finished our dinner, but not before my mother, God bless her, had just put her head in her hands and started saying “Tell us about Madeline again, did she walk? Holding your hands?”  I lost it.  I love her, she is my hero.  But of course, it was lost on our intrepid trio.

We got the hell out of there, and since I had my $15 winnings I decided I was done gambling and would head up to the hotel room.  The rest of them headed in the other direction to the slots, and I took off, forgetting I was heading right toward the entrance to the Event Center, which was between me and my room.

I entered a sea of long ratty mullets.  I lost count of how many times I was actually shoved out of the way by people trying to get to the escalator to the Event Center.  I was stepped on my women in tiny denim skirts and hooker pumps who had no business wearing those outfits.  I actually had a hotel security guard body block a couple of young guys so I could get through.

When I made it to the hotel elevator I offhandedly told that security guard “You’re going to have an interesting night”.

He said “Yeah, the concert’s sold out, 5,000 people.  It’s going to be a madhouse around 10:30.”

I said “I think I’ll stay upstairs.”

He held the elevator door open for me and said “That’s probably a really good idea.”

No kidding.  That mullet of KISS fans is freaking vicious.

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Family, or why I’m doomed

This month I have been spending a lot of time with family.  Extended family.  A lot of time.  I have learned one irrefutable fact from this: I love my family but as God is my witness I do not ever want to turn into them.

 

For my own sanity, and to protect the insane, I’ll number the returning characters.

It all started when Aunt #1 tried to poison me, to my face.  Now I’m sure she wasn’t really trying to kill me, but here’s the facts and you decide:

I innocently enter her kitchen. There is a HUGE bowl of broccoli on the counter, and a jar of homemade salad dressing on the table. I’ve talked briefly about my allergy to garlic before.  Trust me, it’s ugly.  Lying in the fetal position in the dark on the bathroom floor kind of ugly. So, it begins:

Aunt #1: You can eat dehydrated garlic right?

Me: Well, in really small doses, yes.

Aunt #1:  The dressing has dehydrated garlic in it. I won’t put it on the broccoli in case you don’t want to use it.

This is when shit gets real.  She walked over to the counter, grabbed the broccoli and 4 CLOVES of garlic and started chopping.  She minced it so tiny if I hadn’t watched her I wouldn’t have known a thing.  She put HALF that shit in the dressing and the other half in the broccoli.

And she never said another word about any of it.  Tried. To. Poison. Me.

My mother was one of 12 kids, and most of them had kids so our family is one huge clusterfuck ever time we get together.  This can be both fun and extremely annoying.

This was the most recent conversation between my mother and her siblings, which convinced me I am doomed (in complete chronological order, I took notes, I shit you not):

Aunt #1: (Out of completely nowhere) Chuck died.

Lots of tut-tuting

Mom: How old was he?

Aunt #2: Where did he live now?

Aunt #3: Didn’t his wife die too?

Uncle: -silence-

Aunt #1: He used to come out to the old house.

Aunt #2: I don’t remember that house.

Aunt #1: Yes you do.

Aunt #3: I do.

Aunt #2 (to Aunt #3): You can’t remember that house, you didn’t live there.

Aunt #3: YES I DID. And I do remember it. We all walked to grandmas through the field.

Uncle: Across Nash’s

Mom: And Mom always told us not to cut the corner. Remember, oh, who lived there? On the corner?

Uncle: NASH

All the Aunts: Oh yes!

Aunt #2: I don’t even remember growing up with any of you. I just remember walking to the store.

Mom: Maybe you followed the wrong family home one day.

Aunt #1: Liz (my mom) was born in that house, (to Aunt #2) remember?

Aunt #2: NO! I don’t remember. Any of it!

This led to much squabbling. My poor 21-year-old 2nd cousin looked on and I said “Pretty terrifying look into our future, isn’t it?”

Mom: I heard that!

Me: You were supposed to.

 

 

 
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Posted by on June 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

As the car turns…

My car is rapidly becoming a black hole of neediness and insanity.  I have a 2002 Jeep Liberty.  I was young and stupid and had to get the one with the special bigger tires and fancier crap. Stupid.

In the past six months I have replaced the battery, brakes, fuel lines and some stupid little ball-things that go in or near the engine.  Now I’m lucky in the fact that I have known my mechanic since I was about 5.  He’s been known to fix things on my car for a case of soda.  But the never-ending shitstorm that has become my car has ended my happy little world.

For the past few weeks the check engine light will come on, but just long enough for me to call and make an appointment to take it in.

Jeep: “Ha! Fooled ya!”

Me: “Fucker!”

So two weeks ago it stayed on.  Apparently a hose had come loose. Whatever, just fix it.

Mechanic: “Hey, did you know you need to get this inspected by the end of the month?”

Me : Outwardly “Oh, no I forgot” Inwardly: “FUUUCCCKKK”

Then I asked him if he would take care of it.

He says : “After a check engine light goes off you have to drive it at least 30 miles before we can inspect it.”

Me “Oh, sure” (Are you fucking KIDDING me?)

So off I go, driving around. Yesterday I get to 29 miles.

The light came back on.

 

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Things I forgot…

Today I finally met with an old friend for lunch.  I’ve been putting her off for months. It all tied into my depression and the spiral of not feeling good enough, and I’d had enough of it.  Last week I called her.

Finally.

I expected harsh words.  Lots of questions.  Frankly, I expected a lot of bitching and moaning.

I didn’t get it.

I got understanding, an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on.  I forgot I could get those things.  She just listened to all the things I hadn’t been able to say, and the things I still couldn’t say.  I unloaded everything.  It felt good to get it out. Then we did a lot of laughing, which felt even better.

All she said was “I wish you would have called me sooner, I’ll always listen.”

Deep down somewhere I knew that, but I had forgotten.  But from now on I will remember.

 
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Posted by on May 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Oh Momma…

Another crazy Mom story:

(It’s been raining and storming all day – this is very important.)

Mom had gone to pick my sister up from work, then stopped at Hallmark to look around. When she got home we had this conversation:

Mom: We stopped at Angela’s and got takeout

(we had already made dinner earlier to get on the stove when she & my sister got home, I knew that couldn’t be right.)

Me: Um… you mean Tracy did that for lunch?

Mom: *silence*

Me: Did they do that for lunch?

Mom: What? No. We went there and got tacos.

Me: ?

Mom: (shakes her head) takeout. menus.  We got takeout menus. From Angela’s, that new place by the movies.

Me: Ohhhh…

Mom: It’s been raining, I’ve been out in the rain and thunder and lightning you know.

Me: nodding (as you do with crazy people)

Mom: I probably got struck or something.

Me: That would explain it.

 
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Posted by on April 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The Rearview Mirror…

This weekend for some reason I just kept thinking of the past.  I’m not really sure why, there was no real reason for it.

I found myself thinking of the people in my family that I have lost.  I have a pretty big family, my Mom is one of 12 kids and my Dad just has a sister, but there are still lots of cousins, second cousins, etc.  My entire family is freakishly close, it’s actually something I really love.  No matter what happens in anyone’s life there is a whole mess of people there to pick them up and remind them they are loved.

When tragedy strikes we will close ranks like you can’t believe.  We will build an impenetrable wall around those we love and protect them the best we can. No one can get in that we don’t want.

Anyway, whenever I think of the family I’ve lost I usually just remember the awfulness of it. The pain. The loss.

This weekend though, I could think of the good. The fun, laughs and crazy times.  The sleepovers where there was no sleep to be had.  Being asked (in jest) if I wanted chewing tobacco so “it could put hair on my chest”.  Sitting up late and painting our nails.  Being told stories about my parents when they were kids. Running and screaming in fear (and glee) from the hundreds of bats that would fly outside my grandparents house at dusk.  Wearing my fancy dress and “clompy” shoes to my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary party and seeing the look in my grandma’s eyes trying to tell me I was pretty.

I remembered all the happiness.  The bad, the hospitals, the pain, the loss didn’t come.

I think I’m turning a corner. The trying to be hopeful is working.  I like how I feel most days.  The face in the rearview mirror was smiling back at me.

 
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Posted by on April 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

At least I come by it honestly…

I went away for a couple of days with my parents and sister, back to our beloved casino.  There was no big winning this time, dammit, but we still had a great time.

Well, except for my very close call with garlic poisoning at dinner last night, that is.  I’m crazy allergic to garlic and get extremely ill if I eat it. Disgustingly, violently, too graphically to discuss ill.  I order the one dish on the menu that doesn’t list garlic in the ingredients, and when it comes I take one bite and chomp down on a clove.  Which, to my family’s delight, I then spit out in my hand in my moment of panic.  There is absolutely no time for couth when faced with that, let me tell you.  Dinner was interesting, to say the least.

That leads me to the point of this post – I have irrefutable proof I come by my mental instability honestly.  We all joke that we turn into our mothers, but God help me, I think I already am my mother. 

I love her dearly, but can be a little “flighty” (her word, not mine). She’s 72, about 5 foot nothing, feisty and nuts. This morning, we’re leaving the hotel. My sister, father and I have most of the bags, my mother is carrying her most precious bag – the one with her doughnuts in it.

We finally get out of the rooms, make it to the bank of elevators, and Mom hits the Up button.  My sister “gently” corrects her and she hits the down button.  The doors open pretty quickly and Mom walks in. 

Now at this time I have my back to the elevator, trying to wrangle my bags to keep one from falling off the other and not drop all my shit all over the floor.

Next I hear my sister yell “MOM” Followed by my father saying “Christ”.

I turn to see both of them basically standing in the closed doors and my sister said “she’s gone!”

Yep.  Mom’s off in the elevator by herself.  That had to be the fastest frigging elevator I’ve ever seen. 

I couldn’t help myself, I had to say, “Well, she has her doughnuts, she’s really all set.”  That did not go over well.

The rest of us make it down in another elevator and my mother was down in the lobby, hiding in a corner, waiting to jump out at us.  I’m not kidding. Hiding. In. A. Corner. 

We get in the car and she leaned over to me and whispered “I never even pushed a button!”

“Well, you pushed down, right?”

“No! I didn’t push anything! I just stood there and it took me to the lobby.”

So, it’s genetic, and I’m doomed.

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2011 in Uncategorized